As we move closer to ending gender-based violence in two generations, an often overlooked aspect is the presence of misogyny. Many leaders, subtly or overtly, thrive on patriarchal norms and gender-based power dynamics, perpetuating harmful attitudes and behaviors toward women.

Our culture has been steeped in patriarchal values for centuries. This long-standing practice has led to the marginalization of women and the acceptance of gender-based violence as a societal norm. Both women and men have internalized these misogynistic attitudes, often unknowingly.

These internalized beliefs are not just mindsets. They are somatic markers—deep-seated, embodied behavior sets that have been passed down through our lineages for thousands of years. These markers live and breathe within our bodies, influencing our behaviors, decisions, and relationships until we consciously undertake the work to unwind and remove them.

Somatic markers act as a double-edged sword. On one hand, they serve as reminders of our historical struggles and survival. On the other hand, they can be exploited by individuals seeking personal gain. Unscrupulous individuals, driven by the desire for fame, financial gain, or status, can knowingly or unknowingly manipulate these somatic markers, using them as tools for control and domination.

Recognizing the Signs of a High-Control Online Coaching Group of Cult

Online coaching groups have become popular platforms for personal growth and professional development. It’s essential to be cautious as these groups can sometimes hide a darker reality behind the facade of self-improvement. Here are some signs to look out for that might suggest that your online coaching group is a high-control group or cult.

Grooming and Seduction

High-control groups often employ a variety of techniques to attract and retain members:

• The leaders position themselves as authority figures or gurus, promising to reveal secrets, transmissions or codes available only through their high-priced programs.
• They use pain-oriented, shame-based marketing messages, exploiting insecurities to sell themselves, not tools or modalities.
• They present a “rags-to-riches” story biased towards their methodology, claiming that they discovered a secret that only they know that led to their success.
• If you express an inability to afford their services, they may shame you, accusing you of being swampy, negative or stuck in your “lizard brain.”
• They may encourage you to take out loans or jeopardize your financial security to pay for their services.
• They avoid publishing clear program outlines or learning objectives, claiming that the learning experience is purely energetic or transmission-based.
• They manipulate through social proof and material gain through exploitation.
• They misuse ancient spiritual teachings – taking profound concepts and twist them to induce emotional responses in their members, which they then exploit. A common example is the distortion of teachings on the masculine and feminine energies. These energies, seen as complementary forces in traditional spirituality, get misrepresented in high-control groups. Leaders may shame women for not being “feminine” enough, using guilt and confusion as a control mechanism. This tactic not only misrepresents the spiritual teaching but also reinforces harmful gender stereotypes.

Being in the Group

Once you’re in the group, the high-control tactics often intensify:

• They discourage or outright forbid you from working with other teachers.
• The group is rife with rules and control, with leaders exercising rigid authority over members.
• They foster an atmosphere of secrecy and contradiction.
• They might pit members against one another to maintain control.
• They promote an “us versus them” mentality, placing the group above outsiders.
• They use language that encourages obedience and hierarchical structures.
• They weaponize the group’s specific jargon or lexicon against those who don’t conform.
• They attempt to control your life, including your time and money, and may isolate you from “nonbelievers” such as family or friends.
• They use shame and fear as tools for control.
• They leverage celebrity and fame of others for credibility.

Leaving the Group

Finally, if you decide to leave the group, be prepared for potential backlash:

• They may resort to threats, intimidation, bullying, stalking, or social shaming to deter you from leaving.
• Guilt Tripping: They might make you feel guilty for wanting to leave, saying that you’re abandoning the group, betraying their trust, or being selfish.
• Fear Mongering: They could predict dire consequences if you leave, such as failure, social isolation, or spiritual doom.
• Smear Campaigns: In some cases, they might spread false or damaging information about you to other group members or even publicly to discredit you and discourage others from leaving.
• Alienation: They may cut you off from current members, creating a sense of loss and isolation.
• Financial Consequences: If you’ve invested money into the group, they might make it difficult for you to retrieve it, or threaten you with financial penalties or lawsuits.
• Restrictions on Leaving: They might impose serious conditions or processes that you must go through before you are allowed to leave, intending to make the process so daunting that you reconsider your decision.
• Hoovering: Even after you leave, they might try to pull you back in through various tactics, such as promising changes, reminiscing about good times, or even feigning personal crises that they need your help with.

Consistent behavior throughout

Gaslighting and love bombing are two psychological manipulation tactics often used by leaders and members of high-control groups or cults to maintain control over their members. They can be particularly damaging as they prey on individuals’ emotions and perceptions, keeping them in a constant state of uncertainty and emotional turmoil.

Gaslighting involves making a person doubt their own experiences, feelings, or perceptions, effectively undermining their sense of reality. For example, if you express doubts or concerns about the group or its practices, leaders might suggest you’re misinterpreting things or that your concerns are due to personal failings or weaknesses, rather than legitimate issues with the group. Over time, this can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and a reduced ability to trust your own judgment.

Love bombing, on the other hand, is a tactic where group members shower a person with excessive affection, compliments, and attention, especially when they sense that person might be questioning the group or thinking about leaving. This sudden influx of positive attention can make the person feel valued and loved, making it harder for them to leave the group.

These tactics often work in tandem, creating a psychological pendulum that swings between self-doubt and validation. This back-and-forth can keep individuals stuck in a trauma response, a state where the body’s natural defenses (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) are constantly activated.

When someone is in a trauma response, they’re more likely to make decisions based on immediate emotional needs rather than long-term well-being. They may cling to the moments of love bombing as a source of temporary relief from the distress caused by gaslighting. This cycle can make it incredibly difficult for individuals to recognize the manipulation and take steps to leave the group.

Breaking free from this cycle often involves recognizing these manipulative tactics, seeking support from trusted individuals outside the group, and potentially seeking help from mental health professionals experienced in cult recovery.

Next Steps

Identifying the signs of a high-control group or cult is the first crucial step towards protecting yourself and others from manipulation. Once these signs are recognized, here are some next steps and ways we can support each other:

Reach Out to Trusted Individuals

If you suspect you’re involved in a high-control group, it’s vital to seek external perspectives. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals. They can provide emotional support, help you evaluate the situation objectively, and guide you in taking the necessary steps.

Educate Yourself and Others

Take the time to learn more about high-control groups, their tactics, and how to counter them. Share your knowledge with others, especially those who might be at risk. Create awareness in your social circles, workplace, and online communities.

Support Networks

Join or create support networks for individuals who have experienced high-control groups. These can be online forums, local community groups, or international organizations. These networks can provide invaluable resources, emotional support, and practical advice.

Professional Help

For those severely affected, professional help may be required. Therapists or counselors skilled in dealing with high-control group recovery can provide therapeutic strategies to heal and rebuild self-esteem and autonomy.

Legal Action

In some cases, legal action might be necessary, especially if there has been financial exploitation or other forms of abuse. Consult with a legal professional to explore your options.

Advocate and Lobby

Work towards policy changes that regulate the practices of such groups. Advocacy can lead to better protection and resources for victims and potential victims.

Remember, it’s important to approach these situations with empathy and understanding. Many individuals in high-control groups are victims of manipulation and deserve support and care. By sharing knowledge, offering emotional support, and advocating for better protections, we can work together to reduce the impact of these harmful groups.

Resources

If you are trying to leave a high-control group or cult, there are many resources available to help you, including organizations, websites, books, and individuals who have gone through similar experiences.

Here are some resources you could consider:

1. International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA): Provides information on cults, cultic groups, psychological manipulation, psychological abuse, spiritual abuse, brainwashing, mind control, thought reform, abusive churches, high-demand groups, new religious movements, exit counseling, and practical suggestions for those needing assistance.
2. Cult Information Centre (CIC): Offers advice and information about cults, sects, new religious movements (NRMs), cult processes, and mind control techniques.
3. The Freedom of Mind Resource Center: Run by cult expert Steven Hassan, it provides resources, consultation, and recovery services for people affected by destructive cults, mind control, brainwashing, parental alienation, estrangement, abusive relationships, extremism, and disinformation.
4. Recovering from Religion: Provides practical and personal support and resources for those questioning or leaving their faith.
5. Books: There are many books available that can provide insight and guidance. Some examples include “Combatting Cult Mind Control” by Steven Hassan, “Cults in Our Midst” by Margaret Thaler Singer, and “Captive Hearts, Captive Minds” by Madeleine Landau Tobias and Janja Lalich.
6. Peer Support: Reach out to people who have gone through similar experiences. They can provide unique insight, practical advice, and emotional support. Many online forums and groups exist for survivors of high-control groups.
7. Professional Help: Therapists, counselors, and psychologists who specialize in cult recovery can be invaluable resources. They can provide a safe space to process your experiences and provide guidance on the path to recovery.
8. Reach Out to Trusted Individuals: If you know someone who understands your situation and can provide support and guidance, don’t hesitate to reach out to them. They can be a valuable resource in your journey towards recovery and freedom. You can always email me or DM me directly.

Please remember, leaving a high-control group can be challenging, but you’re not alone. Many people have successfully made this journey, and there are many resources available to help you navigate this challenging time. Stay strong and reach out for the help you need.

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If you or someone you know is in an immediate danger, please contact your local law enforcement. For non-emergency support and resources, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) in the U.S., or your local equivalent.