The Double Bind of Belonging in the Patriarchy
So many of us sacrifice our self-worth and well-being to ‘belong’ in a culture that teaches femmes that our worth is based on our output, serving others
and looking sexy (among others).
We spend large parts of our life grasping for love and belonging from parents, teachers, men, partners, friends, employers, and clients.
Striving to be the person that we think these people want us to be.
We are taught that pleasing others, with the hope that they might love and approve of us, is the foundation of connection and relationship.
In truth, no matter how hard we try, it’s never enough.
This creates what is referred to as a “double bind”. We are forced into a crisis of connection where we feel like we must choose between being true to ourselves or being in authentic relationship with others, ourselves and the world.
From, Why Does Patriarchy Persist? By Carol Gilligan and Naomi Snider:
“It was listening to girls narrate their experiences in coming of age that first led me to question whether separations that had been seen as desirable or natural, part of the normal course of development (the separation of the mind from the body, of thought from emotion, and of the self from relationships) are more accurately viewed as responses to an initiation.
What cued me to see this as an initiation was the realization that girls were responding to a force that was coming from outside themselves.
Hearing some girls name the crisis of connection they faced when they felt pressed to choose between having a voice or having relationships alerted me to the loss of relationship they were registering.
What had seemed ordinary—having a voice and living in relationship—suddenly had become extraordinary.
The resistance of some girls to making a choice that they recognized as a bad bargain as well as psychologically incoherent prompted me to ask: where is this choice coming from and who is it serving?
Iris, a high school senior, stated the quandary most succinctly: “If I were to say what I was feeling and thinking, no one would want to be with me, my voice would be too loud,” adding by way of explanation, “But you have to have relationships.”
Something was forcing her to give up relationship—the experience of connecting with herself and with others—as the price for having “relationships”—set and scripted ways of relating that provide the semblance of connection but by requiring the disavowal of core aspects of herself block the possibility for actual connection.
I asked what seemed the obvious question—“But if you are not saying what you are feeling and thinking, then where are you in these relationships?”—and, watching her face shadow, it became clear to me that she too saw the paradox.
Either way, she would lose relationship, either by saying what she was feeling and thinking and thus becoming someone no one would want to be with, or by not saying what she was feeling and thinking and thus becoming someone other than herself. The loss of connection was seemingly inescapable. Hence the crisis.”
This is one of the many reasons why learning to love ourselves as femmes in this current culture is so tricky.
As stated above – it can feel like either way we lose connection – not being our true selves and therefore out of touch with our internal community and selves or being our true selves and being punished or alone in the outside world.
And here’s where self-love practice helps: when we learn to love and accept ourselves for who we truly are, we stop looking outside of ourselves for acceptance and validation.
It feels good to receive praise and compliments from others, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling seen and heard and externally belonged.
We are social beings, after all; it’s natural to want other people to think well of us and be in connection and relationship with others.
The challenge comes when we are unable to rely on internal validation in the moments when those external compliments and rewards aren’t present.
The good news? It’s never too late to start the practice of self-love. We can learn how to love ourselves at any point in our lives. And create a new foundation in our nervous systems where it feels safe to give and receive love to ourselves and others.
For more information on Self-Love Ceremonials go here.